Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

Aspects of Loneliness No. 7

November 2, 2024

It never seems to be a conscious process.
No cognitive ability at work.
No intentional selection.
They are merely instances.
Immediate, spontaneous instances.
Visceral reactions around memories.
Absent is, “I am reminded of …”
Or, “Gee, that is just like when …”

A sight, a sound,
Fragrance, odor,
Moisture, warmth,
A time of year, the smell of rain,
Heat, cold, wind, calm,
A slant of light.
Any one of these can push a button.
Flip a switch.
Suddenly, I am somewhere else.
What surfaces can be happy or sad,
Embarrassing, discouraging,
Feel lonely, hopeful, remorseful.

When I hear its call,
A red-winged black bird
Transports me to my childhood.
Not literally, but way more than figuratively.
I am there.
Emotions stir.
My heart is there.

During summer vacation from grade school,
I would listen to mourning doves
Through the open window.
The sound of a slow rain
Pulls me into a very lonely space
Exacerbated by a memory of unease
In an often hostile environment.
Especially in the fall as winter looms.

Hearing a train in the distance,
A surplus of meaning and yearning
That I can’t untangle.
The rustling of dry leaves.
What?
That fall is coming?
School resuming?
Lake homes temporarily abandoned?
The lake still, free of waves or sounds.
No one around if help is needed.
Perceptions of danger and dread fold together into loneliness.

I wonder, sometimes,
Do I miss those moments?
Is that what makes it seem lonely?
Or do I miss being that person I used to be?




I’ve never been me before

October 5, 2018

With the early morning fog
All was white-gray
Seeing nothing for more than 100 yards
Islands were not to be seen
Nor the far shore

Silence
Well, not quite
Soft, gentle movement heard
Water caressing the rock-strewn
Beach

I was thinking, for me,
This is a new experience
And certainly so
On this day, in this place
At this age

Who I am today is new
What I experience today is new
All I see and all I hear, new
The me of now
Has never existed before

I’ve never been this me before
I should be in awe of everything
Tired of nothing
Open to the grace
Of all things

©2018 Thomas W. Cummins

Staying true to self

October 4, 2015

Turmoil and pain from events, even if separated by 30 years, can be reawakened by the words of a poem.

In Desert Run, Mitsuye Yamada reflects upon her family’s time in an internment camp during World War II. In the last stanza are these words:

I cannot stay in the desert
where you will have me nor
will I be brought back in a cage
to grace your need for exotica.
I write these words at night
for I am still a night creature
but I will not keep a discreet distance
If you must fit me to your needs
I will die
and so will you.

When I re-read those words a few months ago, moments of shunning and rejection came creeping back out of dark passages in my life. Most assuredly, there have been times when I couldn’t/wouldn’t, or can’t/won’t, dance to the tune of someone else. To have done so would have been sacrificial and destructive to my own sense of self and well-being. This isn’t about following instructions or performing job expectations. Rather there have been behavioral and performance expectations of the most unreasonable and servile nature.

What is most interesting to me has been the astonishment and rage, punishment and revenge, observed and experienced as a result. Not bending in order to conform to a misinformed and delusional notion of who I am, or who I should be, comes from my unwillingness to be an enabler. Been there, done that, the ‘walking-on-eggshells’ thing.

As you can see, Ms. Yamada’s poetic reflection struck a nerve with me. Much suffering has come from my resistance. But I must not create a false self to meet unreasonable expectations of others. Nor can I sit idly by and await the next page for me to recite from an unshared and unexplained script. I’ve never been very good at playing guessing games.

If you must fit me to your needs
I will die
and so will you.

If we look closely

September 18, 2014

DSCN0972

 

If we look closely

Amidst dry, lifeless clutter

As our life seems, sometimes

Or often

Can be found

Breathtaking beauty

Hope

Everything will be okay

September 14, 2014

I wish, somehow, there was a way to put up sandbags against today’s flood of sadness

But through God’s grace, I know things will get better

Patience

Acceptance

Finding sustenance for my spiritual roots

To not get pulled down, dragged down, diminished by the careless behavior of others

My best friend is with me

Everything will be okay

We’ll get through this

Gentleness, kindness, understanding and forgiveness will prevail

Surrendering to the power of Wisdom

Perhaps letting go

Beckoning Call

May 26, 2014

—∞—

A dog is barking
It’s late
That distant sound
Pulling
Tugging
At a loose thread
A fragment
Of memory
 
Memory of what?
I’m not certain
Was it in a play
On some long-ago stage?
A movie?
Or heard from the window sill
Of my childhood bedroom
On a hot summer night?
 
Hearing that faraway call
Pulls at me
Each time
Every time
What is the meaning? Why am I drawn?
Perhaps it’s because
It always beckons from beyond the current situation
From beyond myself

© 2014 Thomas W. Cummins